Friday Funnies – I needed a Laugh… Shared a Laugh!

MumblePSA:  Please note, this article can be reviewed just for the writing, or for the humor, or both.  You decide.  If you know a good joke, leave it in the comments.  I am always looking for new materials.Best 32 Silly Jokes | Quotes and Humor

If careful calculation is correct, this is the third time I have written about humor, the power, the majesty, and the gut-splitting good times humor provides.  Oddly enough, I am a big fan of dad jokes, but not a dad.  I prefer humor that is funny for the fun, not the shocking or profane, merely a good laugh.  Of the funniest songs I have ever heard, Arthur Freed and Nacio Herb Brown take the top billing with the song, “Make ‘em Laugh.”  Cole Porter also tickled my funny bone with a similar song, “Be a Clown.”  However, since I detest clowns, I cannot like this song very much.  Both songs are linked for your listening and watching pleasure.  Do you find clowns creepy in the Stephen King kind of creepy?

Computer HumorOne of the truths about humor is embedded in the lyrics of Make ‘em laugh:

Cosmo:
Though the world is so full of a number of things,
I know we should all be as happy as
But are we?
No, definitely no, positively no.
Decidedly no.  Mm mm.
Short people have long faces and
Long people have short faces.
Big people have little humor
And little people have no humor at all!
And in the words of that immortal buddy
Samuel J. Snodgrass, as he was about to be lead
To the guillotine:

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?
(Ha ha!)
My dad said, “Be an actor, my son
But be a comical one
They’ll be standing in lines
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines.”

Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite
And you can charm the critics and have nothin’ to eat
Just slip on a banana peel
The world’s at your feet
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

Make ’em…
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh
My grandpa said go out and tell ’em a joke
But give it plenty of hoke

Make ’em roar
Make ’em scream
Take a fall
But a wall
Split a seam

You start off by pretending
You’re a dancer with grace
You wiggle ‘till they’re
Giggling all over the place
And then you get a great big custard pie in the face
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know… all the…wants..?
My dad…
They’ll be standing in lines
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha há
Ah ha ha ha ha ha
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Make ’em laugh, ah ah!
Make ’em laugh, ah ah!
Make ’em laugh, ah ah!

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh!

10 Hilarious Toilet Humor Jokes That Will Make You Flush“Don’t you know that everyone wants to laugh?”  There is much truth in this line, but laughing is a choice.  We choose what to laugh at, decide when to laugh, and choose, with the resulting consequences, what is found humorous.  The first time I saw the movie “Singing in the Rain,” from whence the song “Make ‘em laugh” originated, I thought this song was ridiculous.  Recently I saw the movie again, and this song was hilariously funny and laughed so hard I cried.  What changed; certainly wasn’t the movie which was made in 1952; the acting had not changed, the actors are dead; I changed.  The first time I saw this movie, I was exhausted after prepping for a holiday meal, I was strung out from too much work, and nothing was funny.  This last time, I had changed mentally and physically, which made all the difference.Thanksgiving Humor - Chris Cannon

What is the lie in the song “Make ‘em Laugh?”  Simply put, nobody can make you emote if you choose not to, a powerful lesson indeed.  I grew up in a big family, and there are seven of us kids; my uncle brought his four and then had a couple more, aunts, uncles, cousins, and more if you took the Salisbury family, those still living could still essentially fill a couple of venues.  My older brother was always trying to “make you laugh.”  He failed for many reasons; the first was I never thought he was funny.Pin by Lilly Gonzalez on Halloween Humor | Funny halloween jokes, Halloween jokes, Halloween memes

My older brother could take a joke I laughed at and kill the joke in the retelling.  I never met another person so anxious to make people laugh and like him, who failed so completely and miserably.  Take the funniest joke you know, put that joke in my older brother’s mouth, and that joke will fall flat, and you will wonder why it was funnier previously.  It never ceases to amaze me how this person can kill a joke, especially when he is such a joke himself.No sense of humor Memes

Long have I maintained the following formula:

[(Dark Humor + Intelligent Humor + a Warped sense of Humor) (Shaken not stirred)] = Me laughing hysterically!

Abbott & Costello Coronavirus Humor : NationalsI like to laugh.  I need to laugh, or the depression and anxiety become too great and I am angry.  This last week has been no picnic with the continuing crush from the VA-OIG, add the IRS and several state departments of revenue, and I needed to find humor.  Combined with the ongoing dissertation pains and the need for a good chuckle was mandatory!  Without further ado, here are things that leave me laughing in the aisles.  If repeats are found from previous posts, you have my apologies!

May you choose to enjoy!

Dark humor jokes | Thug Life Meme

Funny Picture Clip: Funny humor bizarre crazy pictures

30 Minions Humor Quotes - Quotes and Humor© Copyright 2022 – M. Dave Salisbury
The author holds no claims for the art used herein, the pictures were obtained in the public domain, and the intellectual property belongs to those who created the images.  Quoted materials remain the property of the original author.

Flashes – Speech: An Honest and Frank Discussion

Bobblehead DollBefore I begin, I need to make clear that I am a full-on total failure on this topic.  No ifs, ands, or buts, I struggle with controlling my thoughts and fight continuously to curb my tongue.  My intent is to help be a road sign of what traps to avoid, for maybe I can then learn to improve.  As a soldier, I struggled but appeared to master my spoken words for a time.  But controlling thoughts, especially those where I want to fight, kick, and scream, remains a challenge.  As a sailor, forget about it; I even learned new language and taught how to swear more effectively.  Oi, I do need to change this aspect of me!  I am reminded of the words from an anonymous author:

Of thine unspoken word thou art master; thy spoken word is master of thee.”

Of all the truths most evident in today’s culture, none compares to this simple truth speak, and your words become your master.  In the New Testament, Gospel of Matthew, 26:73, the reader finds the following:

Thy speech betrayeth thee…”

While said to identify a Galilean, the sentiment remains particularly powerful; consider the axiom “swearing like a sailor.”  As a child, when a person broke out in a rainbow-colored diatribe, people automatically assumed the speaker had been or was currently a sailor.  I respected several people who constantly swore as they were tough, rugged, and individualistic.  When I used those exact words, I wound up eating a lot of soap!  Indeed, your speech betrays who you are, your intelligence, and your willingness to conform to a societal communication standard.https://i0.wp.com/www.quotehd.com/imagequotes/authors4/publilius-syrus-quote-speech-is-the-mirror-of-the-soul-as-a-man-speaks.jpg

Speaking of my childhood, I was raised in a home by hippies, but we had three rules we were obliged to follow:

  1. Thou shalt use the King’s English.
  2. Thou shalt properly pronounce and annunciate your words.
  3. Thou shalt not use any word if you do not know the meaning of that term and can find it in the dictionary.

The dictionary of my youth was not full and complete, and I have long since learned that there are many dictionaries in existence.  That being said, there are ways, mannerisms, and styles of speaking that our constant moving introduced us to; having now traveled ¾’s of the way around the globe, and having met thousands upon thousands of people, the rules of social etiquette where speech is concerned remain powerfully appropriate.  Each society has its communication standards, requirements, and even specialized language.  With that said, general society also has its own rules, styles, and conditions that, when in public, should be respected.Speech Therapist Quotes. QuotesGram

For example, I had spoken to people who chose to be offended when a man spoke harshly, or with colorful language, in front of children or to a female.  I mistakenly dropped a colorful rant in front of some elderly people who were strong enough of character to issue a verbal harangue to me for breaching social etiquette.  How grateful I am for their remonstrations.  The words of Solomon come to mind:

The tongue of the wise is in his heart; the heart of the fool is in his mouth.”

It never surprises me how often this flash from the eternal semaphore is being communicated to the world, “Hold thy tongue” for “Thy speech betrayeth thee!”  All through the history of man, many a philosopher, author, speaker, and leader has uttered words to be careful how and what you say, for “Thy speech betrayeth thee.”  One of my favorite from this category is Halifax, who is quoted as saying:

True merit is like a river; the deeper it is, the less noise it makes.”

It was my very great displeasure to work for a person in the US Navy who was a fool.  No merit, no redeeming grace, lazy, obnoxious, and he had risen to the maximum level of his incompetence as a Fireman (E3), and his current rank was Second-Class Petty Officer (E-5).  This person could not be trusted to complete any work but talked a good game; the department chief pulled me aside and told me on my first day, “He talks a good game.”  The chief meant this dude was full of BS, but the chief also highly favored this person, and it was my fault I spoke better and less.  Hence, I was to be punished with every dirty job, horrible detail, and tedious task until this twit left the ship.  Truly, every time he opened his mouth, his ignorance was displayed for the world to see, and I often swore his jaw was double-hung to allow him to blather tediously 24/7.  Even sleeping, this guy’s ignorance was displayed heroically.Speech Quotes. QuotesGram

I do not know the author, but the following is spot-on:

Look out for your tongue; it resides in a wet place and may slip.”

You can tell the kind of wheels a man has in his head by the spokes that come out of his mouth.”

Elbert Hubbard is the author of the best one; it has been quoted to me numerous times.  “After all, perhaps it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”  The last three quotes strongly introduce a truth, knowledge is a check on the tongue.  Knowledge is a composite of education (formal and informal), time, and reflection after experiences.  The idea of knowledge is to allow yourself the time to fail into wisdom, to reflect on better paths, and spend time discovering how to improve using the formal and informal education received.  There are certainly times when I think I have failed enough; I have sufficiently reflected and obtained the education, when do I obtain the knowledge?  These moments serve to pop my ever capacious ego!"Mend your speech a little, Lest you may mar your fortunes." - Kwize

Jeremy Taylor provides counsel on the power of knowledge worthy of consideration:

Great knowledge, if it be without vanity, is the most severe bridle of the tongue.  For I have heard all the noise and pratings of the pool, the croakings of frogs and toads, are hushed and appeased when the light of a candle or a torch is brought upon them.  Every beam of reason and every ray of knowledge checks the dissolution of the tongue.”

Since knowledge has been defined, knowledge without vanity, let’s review vanity.  I kick against a lot of pricks.  I hate bullies, liars, and despise thieves with the passion equivalent to a thousand suns.  Yet, vanity provides an interesting lesson; excessive pride, conceit, worthlessness, pointlessness, or futility describe vanity.  Superiority is synonymous with vanity.  While I do not feel superior to anyone, I have been counseled to stop showing superiority many times.  I am not vane in my appearance, and I am not conceited (possessing fanciful ideas of oneself worth); I would think vanity is part of my problem in curbing my tongue—knowledge without vanity, a worthwhile subject to study.https://i0.wp.com/statusmind.com/images/2015/01/Smart-Quotes-54212-statusmind.com.jpg

Bringing up an interesting point; in fact, it was a question I asked a supervisor in the US Navy.  If I possess a lot of knowledge from reading and learning, is it vanity (or superiority) to readily use that knowledge?  My bosses told me I was narcissistic for possessing all this knowledge and wanting to share it; I pointedly disagreed.  Yet, even when dropping foul deprecations, my speech still betrayed me, and I was considered a fool for “casting my pearls before swine.”  Leo J. Muir was given fatherly advice through his older brother:

Keep your feet warm; your head cool; your mouth shut; your eyes open, and you will get along all right.”

What wonderful advice; I wish, like anything, I could apply that last bit about keeping my mouth shut.  I answer when someone asks a question, even when I shouldn’t.  I tend to start conversations, especially when I should not.  I am so excited to share; I even talk to myself and about myself in the third person, just to speak.  I wonder if this reflects what Homer was talking about:

The smaller the caliber of mind, the greater the bore of a perpetually open mouth.”

Since moving to an employment situation where I work from home, I have learned the truth of this old rhyme:

A wise old owl lived in an oak;
The more he saw, the less he spoke;
The less he spoke, the more he heard;
Now wasn’t that a wise old bird?

Often I have asked, how do I live more like this wise old bird?  The answers elude me.  Yet, knowledge is power, the power to act, think, and speak.  But, knowledge is not authority and authority is the key to understanding when and where to speak.  On my first day in the US Army, I made this mistake on a grand scale; you would think I would have learned over time, or at least over a couple of hundred push-ups.  You would be mistaken, though; I did not learn what I should have learned long before my first day in the US Army.  I met some incredible people while pushing Fort Leonardwood to China, but that’s a story for a different venue.Quotes About Public Speaking. QuotesGram

In Christendom, there is a story, true or not; it relays a truth.  As Jesus was about to bestow speech upon a man mute from birth, it is related that the Savior of the world stopped for a moment, cast his eyes heavenward, and paused in contemplative thought.  Considering how great a power He was about to bestow upon a person.  The ability to get into and out of trouble using speech, a faculty of passion, power, and peril; indeed, the Master might hesitate, and so should we.  In reading and watching the unfolding drama in Ukraine, I am often caught thinking about the peril in speaking, especially when President Biden opens his mouth.  Socrates was right, “Know thyself!” kingly counsel indeed.

Interestingly, and in conclusion, there is one more power-filled truth to expound upon, the words uttered represent the heart.  When “Thy speech betrayeth thee,” the words uttered represent the heart displayed for good or ill.  Of all the truths discussed, this one brings me to pause before discussing further.  Long have I prayed for a change of heart, for a line from Stephen King’s “Pet Sematary” rings forever in my mind:

The soil of a man’s heart is stony ground.  A man grows what he can, and he tends it.  ‘Cause, what you buy is what you own.  And what you own… always comes home to you.”

Knowledge Check!I have tended some bitter fruit because that was all the stony ground my heart would grow.  I own that bitter fruit, and bitter fruit comes home, generally because I opened my mouth.  Surely, “Thy speech betrayeth thee.”  May you, dear reader, find wisdom in my sign and learn better, so you may teach more perfectly.

© Copyright 2022 – M. Dave Salisbury
The author holds no claims for the art used herein, the pictures were obtained in the public domain, and the intellectual property belongs to those who created the images.  Quoted materials remain the property of the original author.

Working Man’s Ph.D.

cropped-tools.jpgIn 1993 one of the biggest hits was a song called “Working Man’s Ph.D.” sung by Aaron Tippin.  Aaron Tippin has the most colorful biography of all the country-western singers I know, including a commercial airline pilot, pipefitter, truck driver, welder, farmhand, and songwriter and singer.  The lyrics for the song “Working Man’s Ph.D.” form the backbone to the point of this article and as a means of honoring those who have well-earned their working man’s Ph.D.

You get up every morning ‘fore the sun comes up
Toss a lunchbox into a pickup truck
A long, hard day, sure ain’t much fun
But you’ve gotta get it started if you wanna get it done
You set your mind and roll up your sleeves
You’re workin’ on a working man’s Ph.D

Consider the following line especially, “you’ve gotta get it started if you wanna get it done; You set your mind and roll up your sleeves.”  How many times has grit been the only determining factor between starting and finishing a project?  Starters are many, but enders are few.  Those are the two elements for success, and every working man knows the recipe.  Get your mindset and start by rolling up your sleeves.  Preparation is key to finishing strong.20th Maine

Now, cast your mind to those who have never learned how to be a working man.  They have no grit, no ability to make up their minds, and cannot stand up to adversity and spit in adversity’s eyes.  Yet, they talk a good line.  They want you to think they know.  But the lines on their brow and the lack of callouses on their hands tell another story entirely.

Take a moment and consider your first blister.  Do you remember how you earned it?  Do you remember what you were doing the first time you felt that sting?  I do.  My first blister turned into my first and most lasting callous.  I was hoeing a row of peas in a garden; I was six.  I was told that a blister from working is the mark of a man learning how to work.  I earned that blister on a hoe handled that had been wrapped in duct tape to prevent splinters.  After that row of peas, there was a row of corn, potatoes, tomatoes, and lawns to mow.  By the end of the day, I was exhausted and sore, the blister was bloody, and I learned how to treat blisters so you could go to work the next day.Rocks

Let me tell you a secret; I love that blister and callous!  I have burned that callous on many a stove and pan.  I have cut that callous on several knives and received no injury.  I have softened that callous while wrestling sheep in a shearing pen.  I have milked cows and goats to the cows and goats’ misfortune with that callous.  That callous has taught me many a lesson, including how to get a blister under a callous.  In the middle of a cold winter, while splitting wood, that callous kept my hands sticking to the steel of the handle on the splitting maul.  That maul handle had been replaced so many times that my father had taken the splitting maul to work and replaced the wood with ½” steel tubing.  It heaviest splitting maul I ever used, but I never broke that handle off!

With your heart in your hands and the sweat on your brow
You build the things that really make the world go around
If it works, if it runs, if it lasts, for years
You bet your bottom dollar; it was made right here
With pride, honor, and dignity
From a man with a working man’s Ph.D

Consider something with me, think about your hardest task completed; what did you learn about “pride, honor, and dignity” about accomplishing that task?  Hard work taught you a lesson that ease and prosperity could never teach.  Lessons that you cannot pass along to another person except by teaching them the joys and pleasures of task accomplishment and hard work.  Yet, in the world today, so many want to look down on hard work, and this is a thought process that needs reversing.Good Timber

I screwed up.  I admit this freely.  I took some money for raking my neighbor’s lawn and did a poor job.  My neighbor fired me; she was right to do so.  I felt so disgusted with myself for taking money and not delivering a good job, I went over and finished that job over my neighbors’ objections.  I shoveled her snow for free that year.  I did everything I could to discharge the debt I owed to this woman for teaching me that there is no honor, dignity, and pride in a job not done well.

cropped-snow-leopard.jpgMy wife the other day asked me why I don’t quit jobs I have undertaken.  She doesn’t understand the lessons I have learned; I cannot do a poor job.  I cannot commit to doing a job and give less than my full potential and all of my talents, skills, and abilities.  Even when it means I am surrounded by enemies in a hostile environment where my life is constantly threatened.  I have to give it everything I have; I owe this debt to my neighbor that must be serviced.  I have earned a working man’s Ph.D. as well as a couple of master’s degrees from the school of hard knocks; I owe too much to those who have taught me to forget these lessons.

Now there ain’t no shame in a job well done
From driving a nail to driving a truck
As a matter of fact, I’d like to set things straight
A few more people should be pullin’ their weight
If you wanna cram course in reality
You get yourself a working man’s Ph.D

There is a truth in these simple words, I wish to convey in the soberest words possible, “there ain’t no shame in a job well done.”  There is no end of shame to a job poorly done.  Consider the current president; why does the common person, those of us carrying working man Ph.D.’s, scorn the president?  Why did the common person, those carrying working man Ph.D.’s, heap praise on President Trump?  The simple truth and reality in the sentiment, “there ain’t no shame in a job well done,” but there is no end of shame in a job poorly done.  Use any other person you care to name, John Wayne and Kim Kardashian, who gets the stain and who gets the praise of a job well and poorly done?  President Reagan and Nancy Pelosi?  Michael Jackson and Mother Teresa?Leadership Cartoon

The job doesn’t matter, driving nails, driving trucks, nursing babies, keeping a house, accountant, pipefitting, welder, buyer, etc., what matters is how well the job is completed.  Do you take the job and do it well or poorly?  For if you do it poorly, there is nothing but eternal shame, the work itself will always testify of your performance, and people will speak of your incompetence.  Do it well, to the best of your abilities; even if a scoreboard might proclaim you are a loser, you have won victory and honor, pride, and dignity that can never be taken from you.  How you perform the task is the deciding factor, not the job, not the task, not the scores and the statistics, your performance of the task’s duties.

When the quittin’ whistle blows and the dust settles down
There ain’t no trophies or cheering crowds
You’ll face yourself at the end of the day
And be damn proud of whatever you’ve made
Can’t hang it on the wall for the world to see
But you’ve got yourself a working man’s Ph.D

The hardest lesson I learned in the US Army was how to shave without looking at myself in the mirror.  Then I had to learn how to live with my mistakes to shave and look myself in the eye.  Right there and then, I learned the lesson contained in the following lines, “You’ll face yourself at the end of the day; And be damn proud of whatever you’ve made.”  In junior high school, I read Stephen King’s “Pet Sematary,” and the following quote stuck in my mental craw.  It comes out often to teach me more lessons.

The soil of a man’s heart is stony ground. A man grows what he can, and he tends it. ’Cause what you buy, is what you own. And what you own… always comes home.”

Thank you!Hard work teaches hard lessons, but the lessons learned are worth more than gold and diamonds, and I wouldn’t trade a single lesson learned for all the money in the world and all the fame in Hollywood.  Of all the degrees and titles I have acquired in this world, or will acquire, the only one I ever want is that of “Hard worker,” for that single title says it all.  When the chips and markers are counted at the end of life, I want to be found pulling my weight.  I might be disabled, I might be stubborn as a Missouri Mule with a mean streak a mile wide, but I want to be found pulling my weight.

Now there ain’t no shame in a job well done
From driving a nail to driving a truck
As a matter of fact, I’d like to set things straight
A few more people should be pullin’ their weight
If you wanna cram course in reality
You get yourself a working man’s Ph.D

Bobblehead DollMy deepest thanks to Aaron Tippin for his example and his incredible talent as a singer and person.  I have met many military people who sing Aaron Tippin’s praises, and I am very grateful for the talent shared.  May I encourage you to consider how well your studies are progressing on your “Working Man’s Ph.D.

© 2021 M. Dave Salisbury
All Rights Reserved
The images used herein were obtained in the public domain; this author holds no copyright to the images displayed.