After discussing compassion as a tool for the leader’s toolbox, it was pointed out that compassion has been plasticized in modern society, and further discussion on the topic is required. The intent here is to help provide practical steps for building a compassionate team, making compassionate people, and soliciting compassion as the prime response in customer relations. There are some truths requiring stress to ensure a clear understanding is provided.
Compassion
The dictionary declares that compassion means “to suffer together.” Intimating that compassionate people feel motivated to relieve suffering for they have felt the pain of suffering in another. But, compassion is not the same as empathy or altruism. Empathy is all about taking the perspective of and feeling another person’s emotions. The taking is dangerous, the feeling is dangerous, and combined empathy becomes all about the person’s selfishness taking and feeling, not the sufferer. Compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help, taking nothing, onboarding no selfish emotional entanglements for personal gain, simply a desire to help relieve suffering. Altruism, in turn, is the kind, selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn’t always motivated by compassion.
The focus of compassionate people is to help without personally benefiting a person or animal in pain. Be that pain physical, emotional, mental, etc.; the focus is always on the other and on helping as able. Interestingly, compassion is rooted deep in the brain, whereas empathy, sympathy, and altruism are not. Compassion changes a person fundamentally for the better, whereas research supports that sympathy, empathy, and even altruistic actions do not. Hence compassion can be a tool in a leader’s toolbox, whereas sympathy and empathy, more often than not, are useless in building people and teams. It is clear that compassion is intentionality, a cognizant decision to act, and the purpose is always to help. Sympathy, empathy, and altruism are unconscious emotional desires; unless the person showing these emotions is there for personal gain, deception is intentional and conscious.
- Truth 1. It cannot be stated enough, or more strongly, emotions are a cognizant choice based upon social cues, learned social rules, and judgments to obtain a reward. Several good references on this topic exist, but the best and easiest originates with Robert Solomon, “Not Passions Slave: Emotions and Choice.”
- Truth 2. Emotions are active responses, not passive, and emotions do not happen to an individual sporadically or spontaneously. Again, several good references on this topic exist, but the best and easiest originates with Robert Solomon, “Not Passions Slave: Emotions and Choice.”
Where compassion is concerned, especially the conscious use of compassion as a leadership tool, the leader must become aware of emotions’ role and social influence and be better prepared to improve people and build cohesion in teams. Because of compassions intentionality to render help to others, understanding how emotions are a choice and why is like putting glasses on to clarify what is happening, why, and how to duplicate or eradicate the emotional influence. Thus, the need to emphasize these two truths, even though they are similar, are distinct and need complete understanding to best position the leader in building people.
Plastic Words – Tyranny in Language!
- Truth 3. Uwe Poerksen, “Plastic Words: The Tyranny of Modular Language,” remains an excellent source and cautionary tale on what we are experiencing in modern society where words are captured, bent, disconnected from common definitions, and then plasticized to stretch into what that word is not intended to be used for. There are a host of plastic words, phrases, and entire twisted languages dedicated to exerting tyranny through communication using plastic words.
Consider the following, culled from APA’s junior website, “Psychology Today.” Please note, the article linked is the author’s personal opinion; however, for understanding the plasticity in compassion found in modern language, a better example is difficult to find. The author insists that compassion requires using both sympathy and empathy to be compassionate. As discussed above, sympathy and empathy should not describe or define compassion. While the words are similar, the conscious intentionality of compassion means sympathy and empathy are not, and should not, be included with compassion.
Yet, the author still provides clear guidance on compassion, insisting that compassion be ruled with logic and wisdom. Please note, showing compassion does not mean the compassionate person needs to go into debt, sacrifice themselves, or invest to the point of exhaustion in another person. Logic and wisdom dictate that you are not less compassionate when you govern compassion with temperance, but the reverse. A critical point of knowledge stumbled upon while trying to plasticize compassion as sympathy or empathy; compassion requires logic and wisdom, temperance, and judgment, all conscious, active, and involved decisions to be the most effective in building people.
Finally, compassion is a two-directional mode of building people. Both parties in a compassionate relationship are choosing consciously to engage in compassion. Hence, both will share in the consequences; sympathy and empathy are all one-directional from the giver to the receiver, with no reciprocation. Thus, stretching compassion to include sympathy and empathy, or even altruism, disconnects the fundamental ties of compassion from logic, and chaos ensues; where chaos exists, tyranny occurs!
Using Compassion – Focusing Upon Potential
“Opportunity is potential; potential is triumph waiting for an effort to be applied.” – Dave Salisbury
The above sentiment is one of my favorite truths because of what Mumble’s Dad Memphis said in Happy Feet, “The word triumph begins with try and it ends with a great big UMPH!” What does the informed leader do to build people? They recognize potential, both strengths and weaknesses, as a means to grow in themselves and others. Compassion enters when an event occurs as the emotion of connecting and building relationships. An analogy, compassion, could be compared to the mortar used in laying bricks. Each person and event are bricks, and by using compassion, the bricks are organized into a wall of strength. What is the potential of a single brick in a pile; hard to say. Organize them with compassion, and the potential becomes visible to all.
Practical Activities for Building Compassion
The following are helpful suggestions for building compassion in yourself and others.
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- Show genuine emotion; if you’re happy, smile! If you’re struggling, let people know. Our society has been built upon hiding what has been going on for too long. People begin a conversation with, “How are you doing?” The expected answer is “fine,” good,” “okay,” etc. yet, when you know how you’re doing, these answers just spread lies. Are you building an environment where people can be honest about how they are doing?
- Compliments are a big part of showing compassion. Yet, too often, we cannot compliment each other without problems of sexual harassment. The giving and accepting of compliments build trust and comfort between people. Open the environment for giving and receiving compliments.
- Praise and expressions of gratitude cannot be understated as needed tools for building people. Research supports that honest, sincere, and frequent praise is better than cash for brain health and motivation. Again, open the environment for issuing praise and gratitude.
- Employ reflective listening; reflective listening is listening to understand the speaker and build a two-directional solution. Active listening is easily faked; the other listening methods do not include listening, hence the need for reflective listening.
- Curiosity reflects a genuine interest in someone else. Ask the other person’s interests, find common ground, and build from there. Do not forget to share. For example, what books have you read recently? Got a hobby, share new skills.
- Invest time! You cannot build compassion without investing time in yourself and with your team! Take the time, invest the time, and employ patience.
© Copyright 2021 – M. Dave Salisbury
The author holds no claims for the art used herein, the pictures were obtained in the public domain, and the intellectual property belongs to those who created the images. Quoted materials remain the property of the original author.
It is no secret I am on several prescription medications. I take these under strict medical advice, and three of these prescriptions regard mental health improvements. However, my prescription reasons were subtly shifted because Phoenix’s last two primary care providers did not listen to the patient. Since the El Paso primary care physicians appear to be utterly incapable of even attempting to listen, I have now been without a mental health prescription for an entire week. This is called bureaucratic cold-turkey prescription stoppage!
I am a root cause kind of person; why do I bring this up? I have had three primary care providers since arriving in the El Paso VAHCS in May 2021. None of them have gotten any of the medications correct due to a blatant refusal to LISTEN to the patient with the INTENT to understand! Nurses with VA-provided primary care providers are expected to communicate with patients between 24 and 72 hours post any ER visit. Since moving to Las Cruces, I have visited the ER twice and have not spoken to the nurse yet!
Snide, rude, and disrespectful staff, all made possible by, supported through, and legally accepted under federal government fiat. Do you realize that the nurse not doing their job will have any number of valid and acceptable excuses, and these excuses are accepted because of designed intentional incompetence allowed under federal employment laws, regulations, and directives, established by and supported through Congressional oversight? In Disney’s “Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement,” Viscount Mayberry has a line,
When the VA publishes marketing materials claiming they set standards for excellence and lead the industry, I want them to prove their competence and abilities! Right now, their failures scream louder than the voices in their own ears, and they refuse to listen to anyone, and I am not happy! You, the taxpayer, should not accept the performance of ANY government agency, including the entire legislative, judicial, and executive branches of government at the local, county, state, and federal levels, until they correct their behaviors! It is time to end the charade and put paid to this contemptible behavior and abuse!
I have several titles, want my business, know and use my titles. Pick one, and use it! How can a company claim they “know their customers” when that company cannot use the customer’s preferred name or title in addressing that customer? I have worked hard to earn a Ph.D.; I do not expect everyone to call me “Dr.,” but it sure as anything beats being called “mister” all the bloody time. Worse, I still hold several ranks and positions that come with titles. I could be addressed using them, but even with a preferred name on many company customer profiles, I get that lazy customer service representative that calls me Mr. Salisbury! Guess what company I am going to ditch at the first opportunity?
Business processes matter; honoring your word matters, displaying trust, integrity, and fulfilling a promise made all matters in the customer relationship long before the product or service is discussed. Yet, how often are these issues on shaky ground, before the ink is dry on the service contract or the receipt for goods? I have a cell phone provider I detest; I long for the day I can finally walk free of this provider and never look back. Because their customer attention is deplorable, I feel used and abused every time I interact with this company. I have the same problem with my current Internet provider. When your customer service is so deplorable, you have to climb to become terrible; there is a problem that colors, signage, marketing, and gimmicks cannot fix!
Flexibility and Viability – Not just Terms, but Lifestyles
Erroneously called “Employee Engagement,” flexibility and viability are the continued efforts of all employees to participate in the business’ success. Appreciative inquiry is the sum of the efforts to flex and be viable in competition with other businesses, recognizing that the answers to your current problems are always found in listening to employees. Please note, you can think your business is flexible enough, but when the winds of change blow, will your business collapse or grow?
Hence, one must understand the principles of viability, flexibility, and appreciative inquiry as a lifestyle of daily choices where the leadership is engaged in and listening to employees. 
Except, the model was broken by HR, and the depth of available personnel dried up. Thus, the call center went to a universal agent model, where all agents were expected to know all the different departments and steps and act accordingly. The universal model was sold as a cost-saving measure. The employees did not like the new model as all the business processes were built on the old stepped agent model. The universal model failed, the company could not afford to return to the stepped model, and knowledge was walking out the door at an exceeding pace.
Recently this topic was raised in a town hall style meeting, and the comments from the leadership raised several concerns. It appears that employee engagement is attempting to become a “buzzword” instead of an action item, and this bothers me greatly. Worse, many people lead teams with vague ideas about what employee engagement means and then shape their own biases into the employee engagement program, making a pogrom of inanity and suffering out of a tool for benefiting and improving employee relations.
According to several online sources, the definition of employee engagement is, “Employee engagement is a fundamental concept in the effort to understand and describe, both qualitatively and quantitatively, the nature of the relationship between an organization and its employees.” If you believe this definition, you will miss the forest for the bark you are fixated upon! Employee engagement is fundamental; it is not a concept, a theory, or a buzzword. Employee engagement is a relationship between organizational leaders and the employees, but employee engagement is not about collecting qualitative or quantitative data for decision-making policy-based relationship guidance. At the most basic level, employee engagement is the impetus an employee chooses to onboard because of the motivational actions of the manager they report to.
Inactive and selective listening can be heard through phone lines, instant messaging, text messaging, and easily observed during face-to-face communication. Worse, active listening launches trust, and when faked, destroys credibility, ruining relationships. Reflective listening can only achieve mutual understanding when both parties are choosing to listen intently and with the purpose of reaching mutual understanding. The most powerful tool in an organizational leader’s toolbox for quickly rectifying employee engagement is reflectively listening.
Follow the instructions on a shampoo bottle, “Wash, Rinse, Repeat.” The appreciative inquiry model can be scaled, repeated, implemented into small or large teams, and produce motivated members who become the force to create change. Allow yourself and your team to learn, this takes time, but through building motivation for excellence, time can be captured to perform.
Employee engagement requires structural changes to the organizational design. Employee engagement is going to bring immediate change to the organization. If the leaders, directors, managers, supervisors, team leaders, etc., are not prepared for and willing to change, employee engagement will die as an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle. As a business consultant, I have witnessed the death of employee engagement, and the death is long, protracted, and disastrous to the entire business. Worse, individuals refusing to change stand out like red dots on a white cloth as employee engagement dies.
The second step in employee engagement is training the organization to accept change and failure as tools for learning, growing, and developing. A toddler learning to walk will fall more than they stay up before they can run. The same is true when initiating employee engagement. Guess what; you are going to fail; can you as an organizational leader accept failing? Are you willing to admit you failed, made a mistake, and publicly acknowledge the blame and consequences? Are you willing to allow others to accept the praise for doing the right thing? Will you as an organizational leader accept change? How you answer these questions also speaks volumes to the employees you are trying to engage. Depending upon how you individually and collectively as a team answer these leadership questions will decide if you fall back to step one or advance to step three.
Engaging with employees should be fun, it should be an enjoyable experience, and it should bring out the best in you! All because you want to see others engage, grow professionally, learn, develop, and become. Your efforts to teach engagement lead you to learn how to engage better. Seize these learning opportunities, choose to grow, but never forget to have fun. My best tool for engaging with employees, dad jokes! Really, really, really, bad dad jokes! For example, when Forrest Gump came to Amazon, what was his computer password?
Padmé in “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith” makes a powerful statement about the galactic war being fought, “This war represents a failure to listen.” While Padmé insists that diplomacy is required, this is incorrect. Diplomacy is the political game of charades, with smoke and mirrors of intelligence games. Diplomacy fails because each sides agenda is more important than the words being spoken, which is why so much of the work done in diplomatic circles is done in “informal settings.” Diplomacy fails to listen.
The Russians thought diplomacy was the appropriate approach to Nazi Germany; and Nazi Germany made the Russians pay in blood for the failure of the government to listen. Even though history has regularly taught the Russians not to engage in diplomatic solutions with Germans. This was hardly the first fight between Germany and Russian troops and governments. Failure to listen, and the citizens suffered tremendously to overthrow both Nazi Germany and then the chains of Communism.
How many families cannot have a meal without choices of lifestyle and hostility ending conversation over a failure to listen? Can a Chicago Bears Family survive long with a fan from Minnesota or Wisconsin? What about the other choices people make in their lives, religious flavor versus another religious flavor; this simple line has been destroying nations since history began being recorded. What do we see in the Old Testament; governments repeatedly failing because they stopped listening.
Why did Anakin stop being a Jedi; he stopped listening, then he selectively listened, he began acting as a terrorist, and then he became Darth Vader. This plot line of refusing to listen is so prevalent and obvious because humans continue to make the same mistake. When we stop listening to each other, we stop talking; when we stop talking, we become overwhelmed by our own echo-chambers, and create the chaos that ultimately destroys our lives, our dreams, and our futures until we begin to lay aside petty differences and listen to each other again.
Listening appreciatively is reflective listening, where we commit to listening with the intent to achieve mutual understanding. Essentially, to improve government we must listen first with the intent to reach mutual understanding, before we ever open our mouths to speak.
Communication as a tool in expressing confidence in the follower/leader relationship gains strength to clear misunderstandings and reach the desired consensus to meet organizational goals and operational objectives. The operational concept of trust and communication requires the third leg of the trust relationship agency. The follower needs to possess agency to act, informed agency requires training to employ, and the power and support of leadership to feel confident in action as detailed by Boler (1968), Avolio and Yammarino (2002). Which is where concepts meet reality, where theory is tested, and the leader is needed.
In several previous professional positions, especially those in call centers, there has been considerable time spent training people to actively listen. The problem; active listening can be faked, and fake active listening is as useful as a shower without soap or shampoo. You might get wet, but you do not feel clean.
Consider the press conferences at the White House. A room is full of people who would claim they are professional listeners, who then report what is being said. Yet, how many times do you see questions asked with an agenda, personal opinions warping what is said into what they desired to hear, and then reporting what they erroneously heard to satisfy their desires politically; every single time. Hence, the problems with active listening and how active listening can be faked. Desire and attitude of service are not being applied to improve customer service focus.
Not listening is probably the largest social problem in the world today. Everywhere fake active listening is observed, along with copious amounts of observable inactive, selective, and active refusals to listen. Some of the problems in improving listening are policies and procedures that do not allow for individual adaptation or situational understanding. However, too often, the individual choices to grab power, exercise authority, and pass along inconvenience are the real problems in not listening. Harvey Mackay is reported to have said, “Easy listening is a style of music, not an attribute of communication.” Proving again that listening is a choice, a personal choice, borne from desire, bred on attitude and reflected in verbal and non-verbal patterns of communication.
DNC-Consulting 